i've switched to this pfp. i saw it and immediately recognized it as the very first pfp i had on here, i think my banner had a blue light on it or something, i'll probably remember it when i come across it one day. after setting it back, i remembered my first days here (technically on @kanye, but i forgot the credentials again lol). it was all fun and jokes and games, nothing serious.

i kept chasing to get to the top of the explore page, to hang out with the greats i looked up to, like jinx and pkmnq. that's entirely true, and it's the main reason i pushed so hard to get verified. but once i got there, everything slowed. i grew complacent, like i was already the best, like nothing i did after that could matter as much.

i check this site every day wishing i was more active, more part of the community. but i can't bring myself to do anything. i act like i'm too popular to interact, like posting a lot means i have nothing left to say. i keep putting quotes from songs on my about me, hoping they'd say what i couldn't, hoping someone would notice and understand how i feel. i always interact in comments, maybe repost here and there, trying to vaguely see the public opinion on me, hoping i haven't fallen off. but as i said, nothing works forever when your method to get answers is always indirect. i don't want to say i've "fallen off," but by falling off standards, i have.

at this point my only feats are jumping into "dramas," ironic since i spent so long trying to be the neutral one, the one keeping the peace. now there isn't much left to keep peace over. conflict still happens sometimes, sure, that's natural, wherever you are, but nothing big enough to "save the day" for.

i don't want beef. i just watch every post fly by on the explore page, waiting for something to ignite a fire in me to write again.

it never happens. and i never post. i want to come back, direct some light back onto the platform, and keep using my voice here, but i don't. know. how.